Remember when beer was easy? Back in the day, your biggest beer decisions were choosing between light and regular, domestic and import, or bottle and draft. Today, it’s not uncommon to see people turn their nose up at craft beers lacking specific hops.
(Sidebar: How many of us knew the word “sculpin” before 2013? Didn’t think so…)
In our travels, we’ve come across lagers, ales, porters and stouts with questionable flavors, including banana, chipotle peppers, and briny oysters. But while we applaud craft breweries for experimenting, some ideas should never hit the production line.
Take, for example, these three beers that are more notorious than noteworthy, and are more likely to be consumed on dares than on dates.
Before I could even get around to drinking this, I’d need Rosetta Stone to learn how to pronounce it. Then I’d need a breath mint and an upper GI series.
A regular resident on many “strange beer” lists, Fenrir nr:26 is really just a standard west-coast IPA at heart, with one key variable.
It’s brewed with malt that was smoked over a raging fire … of sheep crap. No, we’re not naming new hops, kids. And we’re not even talking about processed compost. We mean this fire was stoked by ratchety piles of waste matter that fell out of a live sheep.
Before you make a bee-line toward the nearest receptacle, realize that Fenrir nr:26 is just following Icelandic tradition for curing and smoking meat. Unironically. Unapologetically. Unappealingly.
In other words, if you’ve enjoyed meat or fish near the Arctic Ocean, you’ve probably already devoured some sheep shit goodness. But look on the bright side: it’s Paleo-friendly, waist watchers!
The overall flavor is supposed to be just like a quality, high-end IPA, which is fine if you often throw down tall pints of beer that tickle your nose with fecal aromatics. In actuality, reviews indicate it’s just another overly complex brew that is smoky, highly carbonated, with the requisite pine resin notes like most of today’s more popular IPAs.
And by “pine resin” we mean sheep crap.
Marm & Ale
Ever wake up after a night of craft beers, feeling as fresh as hotel linens, ready to tackle the day? Yeah, us too! And what better way to kick your commute into gear than by enjoying a serving of warm toast and a healthy dollop of gelatinous lager sputum?
Thanks to the culinarians at Innis & Gunn, this dream is now a reality. Introducing, Marm & Ale – the world’s first, only, standard-bearing brand of craft beers and marmalade.
(But don’t you dare call it “jelly,” amateurs. This is more precisely aged than Ted Williams’ head, and slightly more flavorful.)
The marmalade combines Innis & Gunn’s oak-aged IPA with fine Scottish preserves, making for a morning meal that’s tough to beat … and after three slices of toast, tougher to remember.
Also – because comedy usually writes itself – Innis & Gunn have flipped the switch and simultaneously developed a marmalade-flavored IPA. This means you literally can enjoy the timeless combination of aged pale ale and preserved orange rinds, in the morning, noon or night.
Just a week ago, I would have cemented Marm & Ale as the most unnecessary beer creation available today – a fine accomplishment in a world that still celebrates Stroh’s on tap. And in many ways, it still makes a strong case. But I’m not sure anything will top what’s next ….
Bottled Instinct Lager
I want a lot of things out of my beer:
- Clean finish
- Absolutely no vagina flavor
For 22 years of drinking craft beers, I was able to accomplish all of the above. But I can’t say this anymore thanks to a company called The Order of Yoni, which has created the first-ever vaginally fueled craft beers.
How did this come to be? In our estimation, a person – likely living in a windowless basement with a collection of supermodel hand puppets – decided to take home brewing to another level.
Fruit infusions had been overdone, as had Belgian whites with coriander. This guy had to push the proverbial envelope. So, naturally he purchased the finest brewmaster ingredients available, and then added vaginal bacteria.
And an internet legend was born.
In the company’s world-beating marketing efforts, they discuss – at length – how vaginal bacteria is some of the purest, best-acting bacteria around, which only enhances the fermentation process, making for unparalleled flavor.
This downtown delight is described as follows:
“A sour ale containing femininity, sensuality, charm, passion, sexuality by using vaginal lactobacillus bacteria in the brewing process.”
(Kinda makes you want some sheep shit IPA, no?)
It reads even better on the ingredient list:
Ingredients: Water, malt (Pilsner, Munich, caramel, roasted), hops (Czech Kazbek, America cascade), wooden chips, yeasts, lactobacillus acidophilus
Nonchalant and matter-of-fact, the ingredient list casually mentions the vaginal yeast with nary a flinch. Malt? Check. Hops? Check. Crotch bacteria? You betcha. All business as usual for the good ol’ boys at The Order of Yoni.
(Not for anything, but doesn’t this sound like the makings of a pretty solid beer without the bonus lactobacillus?)
To cement this point, they didn’t just select a random woman from a local PTA meeting. Instead, they secured the services of Czech model Alexandra Brendlova, who is clearly the new front-runner for this year’s “Miss pH Balanced” pageant.
Down the line, the company plans to introduce varieties from women with different hair colors, giving an entirely new meaning to “Ginger Beer.” Hell, the company will even offer to brew a special batch made from your own girlfriend’s vagina. You know, for when flowers just can’t convey your love.
We can’t wait to hear about the lost friendships that come from people saying things like, “Your girlfriend’s vagina really pairs well with Korean barbecue.”
If this sounds appealing to you, by all means head over to the company’s website and snatch up a few cases of Bottled Instinct. We’ll even step back and let you guys have a first crack at it.
Because OUR first instinct is to gargle bleach and buy actual craft beers.
What’s the strangest brew you’ve ever seen or tried? Share your quirky craft beer story in The Hop Nation Facebook Group.